The Cherry on top of My Day!
Today was going to be a quiet kind of happy cooking day. I was working a Happy Hour at the Club with the neighbor buddies. I made 3 flans and a batch of cracker cancy while my new garage door went in - check her out!!!
Garage door goes in great - the guys who installed it are a pisser and I'm baking away. I just finish everything in time to pick up the kids from school and take them to the Dermatologist. Daughter has a plantars wart and 13 (yes, 13) little satellite warts on her foot....yikes. Son has some mild rash. So off we go. We get there and have to fill out the usual first time ENORMOUS amount of paperwork, all the while Daughter is fighting back tears of fear. We go in, we get looked at, Doc puts some acid on the warts that we wash off later and come back in 3 weeks. He then asks, "As long as your here, anything else to be checked?" "Why yes, Daughter has a weird freckle in her part" "Yes, she does. She also has lice." Awesome!!! Oh. My. God. He shows me a bug in her hair. I must have stopped breathing or something because he asks if I'm alright. I say yes and please check son. Oh yes, he's got them too. No adults, just eggs. Marvelous. This just keeps getting better and better. He gives us a prescription and it's off to CVS. On the way, the realization sets in on Children. Son: "Mom, this means I might miss my field trip on Friday, right?" Tears roll down. Daughter "and this means that my Star of the Week guest won't be able to come tomorrow, right?" I feel so sorry for them, but really more for me because I know what's in store: a fucking mountain of laundry, cleaning and worse, picking out all the nits. Oh, and did I mention that now I don't get TO GO TO HAPPY HOUR??????????????????? YOU KNOW, THE ONE I'VE BEEN COOKING FOR ALL EFFING DAY?????????? Topping this off will be when Husband comes home because for him, his family having lice is the equivalent of me having to fly around the world five times with no Xanax.
We get home and bag all the stuffed animals, decorative pillows and anything else we can live without for two weeks and I don't feel like washing.....Six black garbage bags later, we get the beds stripped, towels collected, bathroom rugs, etc.....laundry machine begins the whir it will produce for the next two or three days straight.... I begin with Daughter and sit her down to put the RX "Lotion" (aka kerosene) in her hair. She's geographically retarded, so when I say turn your head right, you know, she goes left. Of course I say one thing, she does another and the next thing I know she's screaming like I've stabbed her "IT'S IN MY EYE!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH". I grab her, drag her to the sink and do what any awesome mom would do: shoot her square in the eyeball with the kitchen sink sprayer. We're both screaming and I scream "OPEN YOUR EYE DAMMIT" as I shoot pressurized water directly on her eyeball. Now she's soaked and there is a lake in my kitchen, she's crying but says her eye is okay. Good. We've avoided blindness. Let's get back to the lice. Dear God. Please help me.
Next is Son. He's a tad bit easier because he doesn't have the rug Daughter has. Thankfully there is some left for me. I don't have lice, but what the hell? The whole house smells like kerosene, so I may as well too! It's 6:30 and we all realize we're hungry so we order Chinese food, which doesn't come until 8:15 because Delivery Man cannot find the house.....I see him pull up next door and shout out my front door: "Long River?" and he says, "No! Derivery!" and drives away. Okay? I'm going to bed now.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry with you.
Oh, this was definately meant to make you laugh. Someone should be
laughing, because t'aint me.
OMG!!! Not to laugh at your misfortune, but I am dying over here. I even
suffered a flashback to the "year of lice." Honey's son had the wart. His
doc told him to get the "can of freeze" from the store cause that is what
he uses. You'll have to make up happy hour, repeat if necessary.
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